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On this day in your life, we believe that God wants you to know...that a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Always with the same person, but deeper and deeper every time. Each time on a whole new level you together open in love and discover the truth of your beloved anew. There is no limit to the beauty of your beloved. If you think you've reached the end, stop generalizing."
So, as everyone knows, facebook has many applications. And not gonna lie, the majority of them get on my nerves. But I use the "Status Shuffle" one and the "God wants you to know" one. Well, this was my message today. And after the weekend I've had, I needed to read that. To put it easily, without going in to details, my feelings for Ken had changed. I don't feel like going in to details, because I don't feel like posting my entire life on blogger. Because I know some people read this.
Anyways, I go over there last night [Sunday] and tell him this. We argue. We fight. He kicks me out. I leave. I cry. He calls. I call my Mom and tell her what happened. I call him back after I get off the phone with my Mom and head back to his house to talk. Lots of things come out. He's hurt. I'm hurt devastated. But in all of this, I realize that I still want to be with him. I am head over heels in love with this guy. And he is truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. I realized that I don't want to lose him. I want to eventually one day go to bed beside him every night...and wake up next to him each morning. Right now, we are taking it day by day...hour by hour...minute by minute. We want this to work still. I want us to pick up the pieces and slowly piece them back together. It's going to take a while, but I know that we can get through this. I know that we will survive. I know that we are stronger than this. We have practically talked all day today. Whether it be on FaceBook, the phone, or text message. And trust me, we rarely do that due to both of our schedules. But it all started with a FB message this morning responding to one from me last night. Then he called me before 8 this morning, and we talked some. I found out he didn't go to work due to all this last night. Then it's been off and on talking the rest of the day. I feel like such a horrible person for what I've done. But like I told him in a text sometime this morning "this will either break us or make us stronger than ever, and I pray it's the second." I know we can get through this. I know we are stronger than this.
But I am going to end this right here. But before I go, since I haven't posted a picture of him or I or anything, I'm going to post one. It's from a day at the pool this summer. It's not the best picture because we aren't "posing" for a picture together...it was a group picture. So there's some legs of someone who was between him and I. But I cropped everyone out besides the two of us. I hope everyone else has a wonderful Monday. I know, those don't belong in the same sentance together. But I hope it's better than my Monday!
I'm so tired of the drama. I'm so tired of the fighting. I'm so tired of the tears. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want to stop screwing up. I want him to know that he means more to me than anyone else ever has. I hate how I had something wonderful amazing going for me, and I completely and royally screwed it up, again. I don't understand why I do this. I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I wish I knew what to say instead of "I'm sorry" at times. I feel like there's a part of me that is trying to find a reason to push him away, because I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of where this is going. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt. I'm scared that he's going to completely break my heart. I'm scared that I'm going to wind up in the same spot that I was in just a very short 5 months ago. I haven't cried like I have lately since May. My feelings for him scare the living shit out of me. I have never felt this way before, and I know I was married. I look back now, and I'm not too sure if I even loved my ex. Judge me if you want, I don't care.
These past few days (since last Thursday) have been hell. Nothing less. Thursday and Friday was just horrible. And I don't feel like even writing about them to relive them. I don't want to go back to those days. At all. All I know is that my feelings for him got stronger after we made it through those two days. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were wonderful. Seeing him on Saturday and wrapping my arms around him just made things so much better. I feel so comfortable with him. He makes me feel so good when I'm with him. And he knows how to make me laugh and smile. Then today, all the drama started again. And the bad thing is, I know how close I was to actually having what I wanted. He doesn't know that I know, but I do. It makes me feel even worse than I already do. I really don't want to lose him. But I have a lot of changes to make. And those changes start today. I'm done with the drama. So keep me out of it. I'm done with the lies. I'm going to live life the way it needs to be lived, and stop hiding behind a mask.
Okay, I'm so sorry that this is all over the place. Like the title said, I'm just expressing my feelings. Hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday!!
