Feelings...

I'm so tired of the drama. I'm so tired of the fighting. I'm so tired of the tears. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want to stop screwing up. I want him to know that he means more to me than anyone else ever has. I hate how I had something wonderful amazing going for me, and I completely and royally screwed it up, again. I don't understand why I do this. I wish I had all the answers, but I don't. I wish I knew what to say instead of "I'm sorry" at times. I feel like there's a part of me that is trying to find a reason to push him away, because I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of where this is going. I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt. I'm scared that he's going to completely break my heart. I'm scared that I'm going to wind up in the same spot that I was in just a very short 5 months ago. I haven't cried like I have lately since May. My feelings for him scare the living shit out of me. I have never felt this way before, and I know I was married. I look back now, and I'm not too sure if I even loved my ex. Judge me if you want, I don't care.

These past few days (since last Thursday) have been hell. Nothing less. Thursday and Friday was just horrible. And I don't feel like even writing about them to relive them. I don't want to go back to those days. At all. All I know is that my feelings for him got stronger after we made it through those two days. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday were wonderful. Seeing him on Saturday and wrapping my arms around him just made things so much better. I feel so comfortable with him. He makes me feel so good when I'm with him. And he knows how to make me laugh and smile. Then today, all the drama started again. And the bad thing is, I know how close I was to actually having what I wanted. He doesn't know that I know, but I do. It makes me feel even worse than I already do. I really don't want to lose him. But I have a lot of changes to make. And those changes start today. I'm done with the drama. So keep me out of it. I'm done with the lies. I'm going to live life the way it needs to be lived, and stop hiding behind a mask.

Okay, I'm so sorry that this is all over the place. Like the title said, I'm just expressing my feelings. Hope everyone has a wonderful Tuesday!!